family circle

by choosing to live halfway across the country from our families (mine in particular), my little family here (me in particular) is obligated to follow the following rules:

1. i must feel guilty all the time, but particularly when talking to certain family members who feel it is necessary to regularly remind me of where i have chosen to live and all the things i am missing as a result of it.

2. i must plan trips out of guilt, not pleasure. at least once a day during visits with my family, i must endure an adult temper tantrum.

3. i must endure insults, such as being called "terrible, selfish, inconsiderate, spoiled, etc." and must also agree with off the wall comments such as "if i had beaten you more as a child, you would have lived closer". i must also feel guilt when such comments are made, as if it was my fault.

4. i must feel guilty at all times for following my heart and spending my time with whom i choose.

5. i must feel more and more guilt with every breath that my elderly grandparents are going to die someday, because of course, somehow, it is my fault. i must also feel guilt when i do not call them and guilt when i do call them because they remind me constantly of how far away i am.

6. i must be questioned regularly as to why i do not love my family, and of course feel intense guilt as a result of it, because when you hear it enough, you begin to question if it might be true.

7. i must accept the fact that no matter what i do, it will never be good enough. the people with whom i am compared with are
a. my brother
b. anyone else's children who live unbearably close to their parents
c. anyone else's children who call their parents more than once a day. because obviously, that's not enough.

8. i must live with the knowledge that no matter how hard i try, i can not satisfy my family and i can not convince them that life is not a competition between in-laws.

9. i must live with the fact that my husband will resent me, probably forever, because of my family and the way they treat me and accuse him behind his back.

10. i must understand that this is the life i have chosen and i bring all of this guilt on myself through my choices, and even though i would make them again, nothing i can do is right. nothing is ever right.